This isn’t meant to make excuses for myself, this is just me telling you my story.
The next time you tell someone to cheer up or to stop looking so angry all the time, just remember, you don’t know what they’ve been through. That attitude and mentality is embedded in certain people. We’ve all heard the sayings, “the funniest people are the saddest”, “Some people are depressed, no matter how good they have it”, the list goes on and on. I am here to tell you, that all of these are true. A therapist would try to take us back to our childhood and see where these symptoms started, so I will try that.
Growing up, I always heard adults say, “they are too young to understand”. This is not true at all. I remember my parents divorce at 5 years old. I was a horrible kid afterwards, and now I feel bad for putting my mom through so much. I remember trying to make both sides happy afterwards and please both my mom and dad. I counted that I attended 7 different school districts in my lifetime, moving back and forth between my mom and dad. In a way, it was a blessing, because I made so many great friends that I am still friends with to this day. I can look back at this though and see why I am such a loner. Being a loner has its advantages, but also disadvantages. It makes you independent, which made marriage a tough transition for me at first. I had all of my routines, OCD activities and my anxieties hidden from the world. Maybe being alone all of those years’ pre-marriage, is the reason why I’m so selfish and look out for myself. I think like most loners, we are also daydreamers. Being a daydreamer can be great and an escape from reality, but it can also derail your reality. I wasted so many prime years of my life being a daydreamer, but not doing anything about it. My biggest regret in life, is letting my own self-pity turn me into a bum during those years. During those years, I dealt with depression, which makes you lazy. It was easier to daydream about what I wanted to do with my life, than it was to get out and do it. A story that I never told anyone, was that I just started walking. My thought was to walk far enough down west Grand Ave to find a bridge tall enough to jump off. I already had it in my mind to do it. What was a God send was that my uncle was driving down that road, a few miles from my house, to go pick up my cousins for church. He saw me and gave me a ride back to my grandmother’s house. After that, I thought to myself there is a reason why God wanted me on this earth. We all have regrets in our lives, mine just stays in the back of my mind, no matter how great my life is going. I know that we need to forgive ourselves and move on, but it keeps this massive chip on my shoulder to prove myself and others wrong. With my failures in life, it has always been embedded in my mind, that I am going to fail. I got married believing that it would eventually fail. I started college thinking that I would eventually quit and fail. It’s embedded in my mind that I won’t live long. This is something that I am working on. Meeting my wife has saved my life. She has brought me back to church, which has brought me closer to God.
A lot of people don’t know this, but I watched my dad take his last breath. He passed away in my arms in the hospital bed. This is an image that I can’t get out of my head. I wish that I could think about the happy times more than the bad, but it’s hard. After my Dad passed away from cancer, I took a different approach to life. I went out more, a whole lot more. I did the bar thing and now I know why people usually don’t find their lifetime partner in these types of places. I won’t get into how I was the one that always got friend zoned and got passed up by so many girls, which secretly made the depression and anger worse. I now have a unicorn of a wife and all of that fake heartache doesn’t matter. If you would have asked me 8 years ago, while on my grandma’s couch, if I would be married and have a daughter by now, I would have told you that I wouldn’t have made it that long. Meeting my wife is the reason why I believe God has someone out there for us and why I believe that God’s timing is perfect.
I think that some of us just live in our heads and that’s just the way that it is always going to be. Losing my dad made me finally grow up, so maybe this was God’s plan for me. Even though I have so many regrets in my life, for some reason, I wouldn’t change it if I could. These trials and tribulations have given me motivation and a passion for certain things in life. Yes, it’s probably not good that these things are still embedded in my mind, but it has pushed me forward, finally.