I know that you are tired. This is the understatement of the year. Being a new mom has been the biggest blessing of your life, yet it has been the toughest. I see your struggle every single day. I know that you want to reach out for help, but you are the strongest person that I know. You feel like you are a failure at being a mom, but I see the best mother that our daughter could ever have. Your strength and what I would call bravery, has came through many times, just when your daughter has needed you the most. You may not see it, but she looks up to you already. You are that little girls’ superhero. Yes, I know that I get the easy part of raising a baby but know that you are appreciated and loved so very much. There is a reason why God made you a mother and it shines every day. I see you in our baby girls sweet smile. Knowing that there is another little one of you, makes my heart the fullest that it has ever been. You are the heartbeat of our little family.
This isn’t meant to make excuses for myself, this is just me telling you my story.
The next time you tell someone to cheer up or to stop looking so angry all the time, just remember, you don’t know what they’ve been through. That attitude and mentality is embedded in certain people. We’ve all heard the sayings, “the funniest people are the saddest”, “Some people are depressed, no matter how good they have it”, the list goes on and on. I am here to tell you, that all of these are true. A therapist would try to take us back to our childhood and see where these symptoms started, so I will try that.
Growing up, I always heard adults say, “they are too young to understand”. This is not true at all. I remember my parents divorce at 5 years old. I was a horrible kid afterwards, and now I feel bad for putting my mom through so much. I remember trying to make both sides happy afterwards and please both my mom and dad. I counted that I attended 7 different school districts in my lifetime, moving back and forth between my mom and dad. In a way, it was a blessing, because I made so many great friends that I am still friends with to this day. I can look back at this though and see why I am such a loner. Being a loner has its advantages, but also disadvantages. It makes you independent, which made marriage a tough transition for me at first. I had all of my routines, OCD activities and my anxieties hidden from the world. Maybe being alone all of those years’ pre-marriage, is the reason why I’m so selfish and look out for myself. I think like most loners, we are also daydreamers. Being a daydreamer can be great and an escape from reality, but it can also derail your reality. I wasted so many prime years of my life being a daydreamer, but not doing anything about it. My biggest regret in life, is letting my own self-pity turn me into a bum during those years. During those years, I dealt with depression, which makes you lazy. It was easier to daydream about what I wanted to do with my life, than it was to get out and do it. A story that I never told anyone, was that I just started walking. My thought was to walk far enough down west Grand Ave to find a bridge tall enough to jump off. I already had it in my mind to do it. What was a God send was that my uncle was driving down that road, a few miles from my house, to go pick up my cousins for church. He saw me and gave me a ride back to my grandmother’s house. After that, I thought to myself there is a reason why God wanted me on this earth. We all have regrets in our lives, mine just stays in the back of my mind, no matter how great my life is going. I know that we need to forgive ourselves and move on, but it keeps this massive chip on my shoulder to prove myself and others wrong. With my failures in life, it has always been embedded in my mind, that I am going to fail. I got married believing that it would eventually fail. I started college thinking that I would eventually quit and fail. It’s embedded in my mind that I won’t live long. This is something that I am working on. Meeting my wife has saved my life. She has brought me back to church, which has brought me closer to God.
A lot of people don’t know this, but I watched my dad take his last breath. He passed away in my arms in the hospital bed. This is an image that I can’t get out of my head. I wish that I could think about the happy times more than the bad, but it’s hard. After my Dad passed away from cancer, I took a different approach to life. I went out more, a whole lot more. I did the bar thing and now I know why people usually don’t find their lifetime partner in these types of places. I won’t get into how I was the one that always got friend zoned and got passed up by so many girls, which secretly made the depression and anger worse. I now have a unicorn of a wife and all of that fake heartache doesn’t matter. If you would have asked me 8 years ago, while on my grandma’s couch, if I would be married and have a daughter by now, I would have told you that I wouldn’t have made it that long. Meeting my wife is the reason why I believe God has someone out there for us and why I believe that God’s timing is perfect.
I think that some of us just live in our heads and that’s just the way that it is always going to be. Losing my dad made me finally grow up, so maybe this was God’s plan for me. Even though I have so many regrets in my life, for some reason, I wouldn’t change it if I could. These trials and tribulations have given me motivation and a passion for certain things in life. Yes, it’s probably not good that these things are still embedded in my mind, but it has pushed me forward, finally.
If I had to pick a word to describe my wife, it would be patient. The patience it takes to handle me, along with our 4 month old daughter, is astronomical. I was considered one of those “project” boyfriends, and I’m still a project to this day. When it comes to when we first met, opposites really do attract. She was the church girl, I was the bad boy. We met at a church league softball game. I don’t know what it was about her, but I just had to get to know her, so I did what any other guy would do, I added her on every single social media platform. Just like with every relationship, we had our ups and downs. We went through break-ups and heartaches, but we ended up together, in love. Megan was the first girl to instill confidence in myself. She didn’t care that I didn’t have my life together and that I wasn’t perfect. She really was my angel on earth. If I had any advice for young people struggling to find someone, it would be to find someone that doesn’t want you to change, but makes you want to change for them. Yes, always be true to yourself, but change for the better. I didn’t have to go back to college, but my wife brought out the confidence that I’ve never had and now I want to pursue my dream of being a teacher. She also never discouraged my ideas and let’s me be passionate about what I enjoy doing. I absolutely love that my wife is a teacher. She works hard and cares about her students. I believe that being a teacher has also made her a great mother and will help her down the road. Her patience is second to none. I know that most wives don’t want to hear this, but she reminds me of my grandmother. Both are a saint and their love is unconditional. This is a love that I know that I don’t deserve and I am grateful that God sent her my way. I know that I am a selfish person and I’m not good at talking to her, but I want her to know that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. To my wife, thank you for saving my life.